So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
