Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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