Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
