My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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