I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
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