my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
