I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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