i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
