he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
