I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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