Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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