I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
