so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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