those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
i now understand why vodka
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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