There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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