So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
