Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
