i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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