Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Two words: blizzard sex
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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