I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
