can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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