im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
