you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
