i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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