just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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