My hand turned me down
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
