When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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