I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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