totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
