It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Let's get the cat blown out
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
