Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
