The beer is more important than you right now.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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