I love black thongs
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
