i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Randomize
