No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
