Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
