my mouth tastes like poor choices
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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