The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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