my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
