I faked an abortion last night.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Randomize
