I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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