she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
