The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
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