meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
