my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
