Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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