Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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