dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
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I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
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next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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