Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
too bad you live with your parents still
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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