we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
