I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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