last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
My bed smells like the plague
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
