Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
