I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
