My sheets look like a crime scene.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
