My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
